The Myth of the Foodie

Foodies don't exist. Let's get that straight up front. Instead, there exists a certain group of people who have decided that they have nothing better to do with their spare time than convince other people that they "appreciate food." By "appreciate" of course, they mean "can afford" and by "food" they mean "expensive food." That's the point all foodies want you to realize right away. The fact that they're affluent enough to afford gourmet food. You never see foodies taking pictures or writing blogs about their experiences with mass-produced food, fast food or savoring the latest soup-kitchen fare. Even though the Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines foodie or foody or foo-gives-a-shit as "a person having an avid interest in the latest food fads." The latest food fads, if you've been paying attention, include turning everything that isn't food into food! (I think my favorite part of that last link is the fact that the McDonald's spokesman was named 'Todd Bacon') Where are the foodies lining up to compare and contrast the multitude of fast food offerings that contain various amounts of industrial food stuff? It is after all, a hot topic. One that will certainly affect the outlook of food industries from top-tier to third world countries.

Foodies are also under the impression that they have a special talent for liking food. That they, in secret, have discovered food that has been expertly prepared is "like ya know, good, man." Like they possess sommelier-like powers of taste that can, after biting into a $100 lamb chop, deduce the exact place, date and time a young sheep was put to death. Also, if any lamb relatives were present at the funeral and if they are also currently being served at a nearby table.

So what does it take to become a foodie you ask? Absolutely nothing. How many years must one train themselves before one can pass the foodie test and earn their Michelin stars? (don't bother reading that wiki review, you won't find foodie anywhere) None. Being a foodie is not a skill. Despite what lies they like to tell you, and more importantly themselves, anyone can call themselves a foodie and be just as qualified as any idiot walking down the street. That's right, The Burger King Kids Club has more restrictions than being a foodie has ever had.

All foodies suffer from the delusion that the reason they enjoy gourmet food and the huddled masses enjoy fast food is out of pure choice. They are completely blind to the fact that given the option of a free meal consisting of either their favorite cheap fast food or a four course meal of their choosing prepared by a four-star chef in a five-star restaurant, everyone chooses the fine dining and you don't have to be a food genius to figure it out. They completely ignore the only discernable requirement of being a so-called foodie, price, and spit in the faces of everyone forced to eat below their standards because they believe the ability to buy more expensive food somehow makes you appreciate it more.

You know who truly appreciates food? Homeless people and starving children.They appreciate food so much they beg for it, pray for it and even shed tears over being offered some soup and bread. That's food appreciation. That's putting your heart and soul into enjoying every meal like it's your last.

So go ahead foodies. Waste some people's weekly salary on food that's photogenic and takes an hour to prepare by blind monks flown in from parts unknown. Really, I mean that. Don't stop. I'd hate for all that time and effort and money to go to waste instead of being used to properly inflate the ego of a self-possessed egomaniac who's chosen to add to their own self worth the mundane ability to "appreciate" the one thing most Americans already take for granted because they've realized they're not special.

III,