Thursday, September 12, 2013

Ode to an Anonymous Commenter

I never post anonymous comments. I'm also not alone. Many other websites have recently opted for allowing comments only from people with Facebook accounts as a way of cutting down unnecessary/misinformed/racist or otherwise offensive posts. These posts are drastically more infrequent when posters are forced to provide their identity because it's very easy to be a trolling malcontent when you can hide behind a wall of secrecy and decidedly more difficult when your blindingly ignorant comments are available to family, friends and co-workers. I posted a blog recently expressing my views on foodies. Outlining my views on the subject of foodies and whether or not they actually exist. That was the sole focus of the blog that was nearly 650 words. I am posting this anonymous comment verbatim so we may all learn from it, and thus better ourselves.

"Hey, self-righteous d-bag! In your last sentence it should be the contraction 'they're' not the possessive 'their.' Maybe a rant about how Americans can't speak their (see what I did there?) own language? Dumbass." 

Let's examine this comment shall we? First, it upholds the first rule of anonymous commenting by opening with an insult. The warm embrace of anonymity allows any spineless idiot to feel ten feet tall and bullet-proof because "they'll never know it's me! ha ha ha!" It also ends with an insult because the commenter clearly doesn't feel confident they made their point. Of course, being an anonymous commenter means you're not really confident about anything other than your inner sexual desires towards your family members.

Removing the insults reveals the point of the readers comment. "In your last sentence it should be the contraction 'they're' not the possessive 'their.' Maybe a rant on how Americans can't speak their (see what I did there?) own language?" That would have been a relevant, reasonable and to-the-point comment to make, if say, my original post was about people with bad grammar/spelling ruining society or the internet. As I mentioned earlier, my original post was about foodies

I also used some form of they/they're/their/there/themselves a total of 26 times in my post all correctly save one time. That's a 96.2% correct grasp of the words. If you see a Facebook status that's a sentence or paragraph long, or a 140-character tweet and all the uses of their/they're/there are wrong, it would be clear the person was ignorant to the different meanings of the words. However, when the very last usage of the word in a 649 total word document that was 96.2% accurate overall and was posted around 2:00 am PST is wrong, I think it's safe to say it was a typo.

The bright side of moronic anonymous commenters is that when they take the time to post something completely irrelevant to the topic in such an abusive and juvenile manner, it ends up completely validating the point of the original article. After all, after reading my blog the only problem they could find was a simple grammatical error. That means they completely agree with me! Wahoo! Call me a self-righteous d-bag and a dumb ass (which is two words, see what I did there?) all you want but without providing any evidence to the contrary, you agree with me. Welcome to the fold, anonymous self-righteous d-bag!

It takes time and effort to write a post of any significant length and send it out for the world to survey and judge. I don't care whether people agree with what is said or not and I love when people have strong opinions because it means they actually believe in something. I also love arguing with people who can defend their beliefs because it means they've actually put some thought into their position instead of just agreeing with whatever they've been told. It also provides an opportunity for the most important part of an argument, listening to the other side and understanding where they're coming from.

The point I'm making is that I fully support comment sections as well as dialogue and debate in general because ideas and information should never be a one-way street. I also believe you sell yourself short by hiding from the world. Step out, be confident, believe what you want to believe but let the world know the real you. Otherwise, how will we ever appreciate you or your input? Imagine if the signers of the Declaration of Independence had all signed with an X?

So I fixed the error. The page is now 100%. Now there's nothing left to do but wait for the next anonymous reader to post an expletive laced comment on how pig-headed I am to insinuate my blog is anything close to the Declaration of Independence.

III,

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Myth of the Foodie

Foodies don't exist. Let's get that straight up front. Instead, there exists a certain group of people who have decided that they have nothing better to do with their spare time than convince other people that they "appreciate food." By "appreciate" of course, they mean "can afford" and by "food" they mean "expensive food." That's the point all foodies want you to realize right away. The fact that they're affluent enough to afford gourmet food. You never see foodies taking pictures or writing blogs about their experiences with mass-produced food, fast food or savoring the latest soup-kitchen fare. Even though the Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines foodie or foody or foo-gives-a-shit as "a person having an avid interest in the latest food fads." The latest food fads, if you've been paying attention, include turning everything that isn't food into food! (I think my favorite part of that last link is the fact that the McDonald's spokesman was named 'Todd Bacon') Where are the foodies lining up to compare and contrast the multitude of fast food offerings that contain various amounts of industrial food stuff? It is after all, a hot topic. One that will certainly affect the outlook of food industries from top-tier to third world countries.

Foodies are also under the impression that they have a special talent for liking food. That they, in secret, have discovered food that has been expertly prepared is "like ya know, good, man." Like they possess sommelier-like powers of taste that can, after biting into a $100 lamb chop, deduce the exact place, date and time a young sheep was put to death. Also, if any lamb relatives were present at the funeral and if they are also currently being served at a nearby table.

So what does it take to become a foodie you ask? Absolutely nothing. How many years must one train themselves before one can pass the foodie test and earn their Michelin stars? (don't bother reading that wiki review, you won't find foodie anywhere) None. Being a foodie is not a skill. Despite what lies they like to tell you, and more importantly themselves, anyone can call themselves a foodie and be just as qualified as any idiot walking down the street. That's right, The Burger King Kids Club has more restrictions than being a foodie has ever had.

All foodies suffer from the delusion that the reason they enjoy gourmet food and the huddled masses enjoy fast food is out of pure choice. They are completely blind to the fact that given the option of a free meal consisting of either their favorite cheap fast food or a four course meal of their choosing prepared by a four-star chef in a five-star restaurant, everyone chooses the fine dining and you don't have to be a food genius to figure it out. They completely ignore the only discernable requirement of being a so-called foodie, price, and spit in the faces of everyone forced to eat below their standards because they believe the ability to buy more expensive food somehow makes you appreciate it more.

You know who truly appreciates food? Homeless people and starving children.They appreciate food so much they beg for it, pray for it and even shed tears over being offered some soup and bread. That's food appreciation. That's putting your heart and soul into enjoying every meal like it's your last.

So go ahead foodies. Waste some people's weekly salary on food that's photogenic and takes an hour to prepare by blind monks flown in from parts unknown. Really, I mean that. Don't stop. I'd hate for all that time and effort and money to go to waste instead of being used to properly inflate the ego of a self-possessed egomaniac who's chosen to add to their own self worth the mundane ability to "appreciate" the one thing most Americans already take for granted because they've realized they're not special.

III,